Founder, Ibadan Business School, Olayinka Fasuyi, tells PUNCH about his fatherhood experiences.
What is your definition of fatherhood?
Fatherhood comes with responsibilities to raise, support and develop the entire members of the family.
In addition to that, fatherhood implies
that there must be communication and understanding within the family
system in such a way that the goal and aspiration of one member of the
family becomes the goal and aspiration of all members of the family.
that there must be communication and understanding within the family
system in such a way that the goal and aspiration of one member of the
family becomes the goal and aspiration of all members of the family.
Fatherhood is also premised on good care
and loving relationship with all members of the family. In putting this
to practice, it is essential for the father to identify the
developmental needs of every member of the family with a view to making
provision for them.
and loving relationship with all members of the family. In putting this
to practice, it is essential for the father to identify the
developmental needs of every member of the family with a view to making
provision for them.
Developmental needs start from the
common basic things of life like food, accommodation, clothing and so
on. At another level, the needs include education, moral training,
knowledge acquisition, which the father has the responsibility of
providing for every member of the family.
common basic things of life like food, accommodation, clothing and so
on. At another level, the needs include education, moral training,
knowledge acquisition, which the father has the responsibility of
providing for every member of the family.
The family has the responsibility of
monitoring the transition of the children from teenage to adolescence
and adult had to ensure that the transition periods go well.
monitoring the transition of the children from teenage to adolescence
and adult had to ensure that the transition periods go well.
One does not necessarily need to impose
one’s wish on the children at all times but if one exposes them to the
implication of every decision or step taken, one can provide the needed
guide which will benefit the future of the children.
one’s wish on the children at all times but if one exposes them to the
implication of every decision or step taken, one can provide the needed
guide which will benefit the future of the children.
How does your work interfere with fatherhood?
Interestingly, being a management
consultant, I possess a rare privilege of observing the lives of many
people at a close range. I share this experience with my children
always.
consultant, I possess a rare privilege of observing the lives of many
people at a close range. I share this experience with my children
always.
I tell them that if one looks at any
society in any part of the world, one will observe that there are some
families that command respect in terms of influence, wealth, network,
inheritance and so on. These families live big but in most cases, their
children do not find it easy to manage or sustain the popularity and
wealth that their parents leave behind.
society in any part of the world, one will observe that there are some
families that command respect in terms of influence, wealth, network,
inheritance and so on. These families live big but in most cases, their
children do not find it easy to manage or sustain the popularity and
wealth that their parents leave behind.
When one talks about fatherhood, it is
an area that every parent has the moral obligation to look into. I am
not saying that they should starve their children of basic material
needs but they should make them work for their own greatness so that
they can appreciate the beauty and dignity of labour.
an area that every parent has the moral obligation to look into. I am
not saying that they should starve their children of basic material
needs but they should make them work for their own greatness so that
they can appreciate the beauty and dignity of labour.
When my children were young, I would
give them transport fares instead of spoiling them by asking the driver
to take them around. One of my daughters was one day pushed out of a
moving vehicle by robbers. It is not as if one is wicked but it is
important to let children appreciate life and all it entails to grow.
give them transport fares instead of spoiling them by asking the driver
to take them around. One of my daughters was one day pushed out of a
moving vehicle by robbers. It is not as if one is wicked but it is
important to let children appreciate life and all it entails to grow.
We have a lot of wealthy parents with
many cars who suddenly go bankrupt. If the children had been pampered,
they would find survival difficult. These are lessons of life that
fathers must strive to give their children because of the future.
many cars who suddenly go bankrupt. If the children had been pampered,
they would find survival difficult. These are lessons of life that
fathers must strive to give their children because of the future.
What were your fears before you became a husband?
I got married a bit late. My wife is Dr.
Olubisi Fasuyi, a development communications specialist. As a bachelor,
one has the opportunity of seeing it all. It is like a situation where
one eats five pieces of meat during every meal and suddenly the portion
reduces to one. Part of our value system is that when a man gets to a
certain age, he must get married or people will start expressing
negative perceptions about his ability to father a child or perform his
duties to his wife.
Olubisi Fasuyi, a development communications specialist. As a bachelor,
one has the opportunity of seeing it all. It is like a situation where
one eats five pieces of meat during every meal and suddenly the portion
reduces to one. Part of our value system is that when a man gets to a
certain age, he must get married or people will start expressing
negative perceptions about his ability to father a child or perform his
duties to his wife.
Early in my marital life, I realised
that the period of courtship was different from the time when a man and
his wife begin to live together. There are many fake things about both
the man and the woman before they get married, but these will be exposed
when they begin to live together.
that the period of courtship was different from the time when a man and
his wife begin to live together. There are many fake things about both
the man and the woman before they get married, but these will be exposed
when they begin to live together.
When did you become a father?
I became a father on October 22, 1990.
Was there a particular gender you favoured before the birth of your first child?
My prayers go to those who are still
praying to God for the fruit of the womb. I know that it is not easy
because in this part of the world, there is a lot of pressure on the
wife and even the husband when they are not blessed with children early
enough after marriage.
praying to God for the fruit of the womb. I know that it is not easy
because in this part of the world, there is a lot of pressure on the
wife and even the husband when they are not blessed with children early
enough after marriage.
If one considers that, it is always a
great day when parents welcome their first child to the world. For God
to open the womb of my wife to be delivered of a baby, that was enough
joy for me.
great day when parents welcome their first child to the world. For God
to open the womb of my wife to be delivered of a baby, that was enough
joy for me.
My first child is a girl but in
discussing the gender of one’s child as an African person, one will fall
into the trap of male preference. In my case, I noticed that after two
daughters, my wife craved for a male child. With technology, one does
not have to wait until the day of delivery to know the sex of one’s
child.
discussing the gender of one’s child as an African person, one will fall
into the trap of male preference. In my case, I noticed that after two
daughters, my wife craved for a male child. With technology, one does
not have to wait until the day of delivery to know the sex of one’s
child.
When my wife was told that she would be
having a male child after a scan, she called me and started shouting,
‘it’s a boy’ on the telephone. She was ecstatic. That tells you the
importance that Africans attach to the male child.
having a male child after a scan, she called me and started shouting,
‘it’s a boy’ on the telephone. She was ecstatic. That tells you the
importance that Africans attach to the male child.
It is good to have male and female
children but experience has shown that the prayer should be that God
gives us good children that will bring blessings to the home and keep
the good name of the house. If one has a male child that brings
embarrassment, one will regret asking God to give one such a child. I
have three girls and a boy.
children but experience has shown that the prayer should be that God
gives us good children that will bring blessings to the home and keep
the good name of the house. If one has a male child that brings
embarrassment, one will regret asking God to give one such a child. I
have three girls and a boy.
What do you do to help your wife at home when the children are not there?
I do not enter the kitchen or wash
clothes. But I do assist outside those areas. We have always been
privileged to have support hands that can handle with house chores. The
amount of time one spends helping one’s wife in the kitchen is not the
measure of love one has for her. I assist where I have comparative
advantage and she appreciates that than competing for a role in the
kitchen.
clothes. But I do assist outside those areas. We have always been
privileged to have support hands that can handle with house chores. The
amount of time one spends helping one’s wife in the kitchen is not the
measure of love one has for her. I assist where I have comparative
advantage and she appreciates that than competing for a role in the
kitchen.
As your family grew in number, what were the challenges you faced?
What I have experienced in marital life
is that women tend to shift attention from the husband to the children
as soon as they begin to have them. Many homes are separated today
because of the poor management of the home when the families expand. The
food begins to get ready late while the wife claims she has been busy
taking care of the children. The more children one has, the more gap is
created between the parents which the children fill.
is that women tend to shift attention from the husband to the children
as soon as they begin to have them. Many homes are separated today
because of the poor management of the home when the families expand. The
food begins to get ready late while the wife claims she has been busy
taking care of the children. The more children one has, the more gap is
created between the parents which the children fill.
The situation often leads to the father
staying out late. We should learn to tolerate changes that emerge when
the children begin to come because it is the most challenging aspect of
parenting and family upkeep.
staying out late. We should learn to tolerate changes that emerge when
the children begin to come because it is the most challenging aspect of
parenting and family upkeep.
Is the gap you talk which exists between a wife and her husband permanent once the children start coming and can it be bridged?
The space in the middle is created by the children and when they begin to vacate it, father and mother comes together again.
The children get older and begin to get
married and start their own homes, leaving their parents. At that time,
there is no one to distract the wife’s attention so she concentrates on
her husband. That is when the gap vanishes.
married and start their own homes, leaving their parents. At that time,
there is no one to distract the wife’s attention so she concentrates on
her husband. That is when the gap vanishes.
Were you jealous of your children at the stage when the gap was created in your home?
One will not be a human being if one
does not feel jealous. Some of those things one feels from one’s wife
are now taken over by someone else. Even though they are one’s children,
one will be jealous. But in showing understanding, one just tries to
ignore it and play one’s role as a father. If one is not jealous, it
means one does not love one’s wife.
does not feel jealous. Some of those things one feels from one’s wife
are now taken over by someone else. Even though they are one’s children,
one will be jealous. But in showing understanding, one just tries to
ignore it and play one’s role as a father. If one is not jealous, it
means one does not love one’s wife.
What are the usual challenges of parenthood you have experienced?
In my own case, I have been lucky
because my wife assisted by withdrawing from all activities to support
the family in nurturing the children. We agreed to divide the roles. She
took care of the home while I took care of the business. It yielded
good result because we got the best out of the children.
because my wife assisted by withdrawing from all activities to support
the family in nurturing the children. We agreed to divide the roles. She
took care of the home while I took care of the business. It yielded
good result because we got the best out of the children.
Have you had cause to flog any of your children?
There are sometimes when one only
rebukes an erring child but there are some that come with flogging. One
or two of my children had the experience once or twice. One of my
daughters once came back with a poor result and I was annoyed when I
considered all the facilities she was exposed to. Flogging changed her
attitude to learning.
rebukes an erring child but there are some that come with flogging. One
or two of my children had the experience once or twice. One of my
daughters once came back with a poor result and I was annoyed when I
considered all the facilities she was exposed to. Flogging changed her
attitude to learning.
Do you take time to check their mobile telephones and computers to know what kind of friends they keep?
My first three children are girls. I
often discuss that with my wife so she takes care of that area better
than I do. She is a woman and closer to the girls. In any case, they are
adults now so they can take care of themselves.
often discuss that with my wife so she takes care of that area better
than I do. She is a woman and closer to the girls. In any case, they are
adults now so they can take care of themselves.
Did you discuss the number of children you would have with your wife?
There was nothing like pre-discussion
before we started having babies. My father had 26 children from four
wives. I have four children from only one wife. I give glory to God for
that.
before we started having babies. My father had 26 children from four
wives. I have four children from only one wife. I give glory to God for
that.
For me, three children would have been
ideal. In this age, parents must safe as much as possible to enjoy
themselves. Part of my social hubby is travelling. The habit costs a
fortune. I have travelled to 60 countries so far. If one does not check
the number of children one is raising, training them will consume all
the money one has. Every child is an investment.
ideal. In this age, parents must safe as much as possible to enjoy
themselves. Part of my social hubby is travelling. The habit costs a
fortune. I have travelled to 60 countries so far. If one does not check
the number of children one is raising, training them will consume all
the money one has. Every child is an investment.
Did you always follow your wife to the hospital each time she was to be delivered of a baby?
I was not around when she was delivered
of our first daughter. There was no mobile telephone then so I could not
sleep in Minna, Niger State, where I travelled to. I joined her the
following morning. But I witnessed the birth of our other children.
of our first daughter. There was no mobile telephone then so I could not
sleep in Minna, Niger State, where I travelled to. I joined her the
following morning. But I witnessed the birth of our other children.