Motivational speaker and life coach, popularly called The Catalyst, Mr. Lanre Olusola, tells ARUKAINO UMUKORO about what he learnt as a father.
What does fatherhood mean to you?
I believe that fatherhood is a
responsibility and a privilege. There is a difference between a father
and a son. Fatherhood is husband-hood, it is multi-dimensional and
transient. There is no beginning and there is no end. I believe that
fatherhood is learnt over time. It is a mandate and a calling.
responsibility and a privilege. There is a difference between a father
and a son. Fatherhood is husband-hood, it is multi-dimensional and
transient. There is no beginning and there is no end. I believe that
fatherhood is learnt over time. It is a mandate and a calling.
At what age did you first become a father?
I became a biological father 11 years
ago at the age of 38. But fatherhood does not only mean a biological
father. I had become a ‘father’ many years ago when different people
came to me to help them nurture their dreams and aspirations. Although I
have two biological daughters, I am also a father to my wife and many
other people.
ago at the age of 38. But fatherhood does not only mean a biological
father. I had become a ‘father’ many years ago when different people
came to me to help them nurture their dreams and aspirations. Although I
have two biological daughters, I am also a father to my wife and many
other people.
How was your first experience of becoming a father?
It started when my first daughter was in
the womb. It was important for me to make a connection with her then.
So, when my wife was pregnant, I started to nurture my daughter by
speaking to her through my wife’s womb. I would be there with my wife
when she kicks or turns around, and I would tell her how much I love
her. I made physical contact with her through my wife’s womb. I also
fathered the mother by showing her respect, honour, love and telling her
how much I appreciate the gift that is coming through her. I told my
daughter how much I loved her and how much I could not wait for her
delivery. It was an experience that seemed like I was crazy, but when my
first child came, both of us really became close; there was almost an
instant connection and relationship. That manifest relationship when she
came out was based on the relationship that had been developed when she
was still in the womb. It later paid off because my daughter and I are
incredibly close.
the womb. It was important for me to make a connection with her then.
So, when my wife was pregnant, I started to nurture my daughter by
speaking to her through my wife’s womb. I would be there with my wife
when she kicks or turns around, and I would tell her how much I love
her. I made physical contact with her through my wife’s womb. I also
fathered the mother by showing her respect, honour, love and telling her
how much I appreciate the gift that is coming through her. I told my
daughter how much I loved her and how much I could not wait for her
delivery. It was an experience that seemed like I was crazy, but when my
first child came, both of us really became close; there was almost an
instant connection and relationship. That manifest relationship when she
came out was based on the relationship that had been developed when she
was still in the womb. It later paid off because my daughter and I are
incredibly close.
What difference does it make speaking to an unborn child?
I often ask people, are we human or
spirit beings? What is the age of a child’s spirit? My belief is that we
are spirit beings that came to earth to have human experiences. I could
communicate with my unborn daughter that way. There is no age zero in
the spirit and the form is that one’s body is the containment of one’s
spirit and one’s spirit transcends beyond that containment, which means
one can connect with one’s child before that physical manifestation (of
birth).
spirit beings? What is the age of a child’s spirit? My belief is that we
are spirit beings that came to earth to have human experiences. I could
communicate with my unborn daughter that way. There is no age zero in
the spirit and the form is that one’s body is the containment of one’s
spirit and one’s spirit transcends beyond that containment, which means
one can connect with one’s child before that physical manifestation (of
birth).
How did you feel when you first held her in your arms after her delivery?
I was in the labour ward, and it was a
very interesting experience. I recommend that every father should do
everything they can to be in the labour ward with their wives because it
changes one’s perspective towards one’s wife and her contribution to
life. When I carried my daughter in my hands, I appreciated the essence
of God and it portrayed the concept to me that man did not evolve from
apes. We came from the same manufacturer, the Almighty Creator. If we
look at an Apple or a Samsung phone, they look alike because each came
from the same manufacturer. The evolution of man is the same, whether
you are Christians, Muslim or Hindu, it is the same birth process. So,
that helped me conceptualise the essence of God that the exclusive right
of life and death are in His Hands. I appreciated life the more.
very interesting experience. I recommend that every father should do
everything they can to be in the labour ward with their wives because it
changes one’s perspective towards one’s wife and her contribution to
life. When I carried my daughter in my hands, I appreciated the essence
of God and it portrayed the concept to me that man did not evolve from
apes. We came from the same manufacturer, the Almighty Creator. If we
look at an Apple or a Samsung phone, they look alike because each came
from the same manufacturer. The evolution of man is the same, whether
you are Christians, Muslim or Hindu, it is the same birth process. So,
that helped me conceptualise the essence of God that the exclusive right
of life and death are in His Hands. I appreciated life the more.
How has fatherhood changed your perspectives on life?
Fatherhood helps one to become a lot
more selfless and responsible. It helps one to delay gratification and
plan ahead. But for me, most importantly, it helps me to understand my
relationship with my Father in heaven, His mercy, grace and love, and
who He is. God the Almighty is everybody’s father, no matter one’s
religion. No matter what my children do, I cannot stop paying their
school fees, feeding or clothing them. Fatherhood taught me the essence
of unconditional love.
more selfless and responsible. It helps one to delay gratification and
plan ahead. But for me, most importantly, it helps me to understand my
relationship with my Father in heaven, His mercy, grace and love, and
who He is. God the Almighty is everybody’s father, no matter one’s
religion. No matter what my children do, I cannot stop paying their
school fees, feeding or clothing them. Fatherhood taught me the essence
of unconditional love.
You talked about delayed gratification. What are some of the things you have denied yourself of as a father?
In this context, I had to plan and save
towards their school fees, holidays, upbringing; that is the first
thing. The second thing is that one delays gratification, in that one
wants to work extra hard and makes more money. But, one has to create a
good balance between work and home, especially if one is a genuine and
honest father. Fatherhood helps me to become a lot more selfless.
towards their school fees, holidays, upbringing; that is the first
thing. The second thing is that one delays gratification, in that one
wants to work extra hard and makes more money. But, one has to create a
good balance between work and home, especially if one is a genuine and
honest father. Fatherhood helps me to become a lot more selfless.
What are the five most important lessons you have learnt as a father?
Fatherhood starts with parenting. The
first lesson is that one must learn fatherhood from being a good father
to one’s wife. The second thing is that fatherhood is a partnership; one
is not the lord, because parenting is partnership. Fatherhood is
useless without motherhood and vice-versa. The third thing is ensuring
that one has a relationship with one’s child and one encourages one’s
child’s relationship with his or her mother and all have a relationship
together.
first lesson is that one must learn fatherhood from being a good father
to one’s wife. The second thing is that fatherhood is a partnership; one
is not the lord, because parenting is partnership. Fatherhood is
useless without motherhood and vice-versa. The third thing is ensuring
that one has a relationship with one’s child and one encourages one’s
child’s relationship with his or her mother and all have a relationship
together.
The fourth thing is that a good father
is one that creates a stable, functional and enabling environment for
the good nurture of everybody; physically, spiritually, mentally,
psychologically, intellectually, and emotionally. The fifth one is that
fatherhood is about mutual respect. One has to show respect towards the
children’s mother; her beliefs, strengths and weaknesses because one
must lead by example. It is not about what one says but also about what
one does. One must also respect one’s children and lead by example.
is one that creates a stable, functional and enabling environment for
the good nurture of everybody; physically, spiritually, mentally,
psychologically, intellectually, and emotionally. The fifth one is that
fatherhood is about mutual respect. One has to show respect towards the
children’s mother; her beliefs, strengths and weaknesses because one
must lead by example. It is not about what one says but also about what
one does. One must also respect one’s children and lead by example.
You travel a lot within and outside Nigeria. How much time do you spend with your children?
The key is not the quantity but the
quality (of time spent). Even if one is not physically present, the key
is to be present. We live in two worlds now, the physical and the
virtual worlds. On earth, 7.4 billion people exist in the physical world
while 3.4 billion people exist in the virtual world. Now, among the 70
per cent of the 3.4 billion people are our children, the youth; because
they spend about 75 per cent of their time in the virtual world. With
technology, I am present with my children, via Skype, phone calls, text
messages and WhatsApp. Also, most importantly, when one is available, I
make sure I spend quality time with them; even if it is 20 or 60
minutes. I make sure it is 20 or 60 minutes of quality time – physical,
spiritual, psychological, intellectual and emotional connection.
quality (of time spent). Even if one is not physically present, the key
is to be present. We live in two worlds now, the physical and the
virtual worlds. On earth, 7.4 billion people exist in the physical world
while 3.4 billion people exist in the virtual world. Now, among the 70
per cent of the 3.4 billion people are our children, the youth; because
they spend about 75 per cent of their time in the virtual world. With
technology, I am present with my children, via Skype, phone calls, text
messages and WhatsApp. Also, most importantly, when one is available, I
make sure I spend quality time with them; even if it is 20 or 60
minutes. I make sure it is 20 or 60 minutes of quality time – physical,
spiritual, psychological, intellectual and emotional connection.
What would you say to those who do not have father figures in their lives?
We need a village to bring up our
children right. Personally, I lost my father when I was two years old.
And as a male child, I needed a strong arm. My mother put some
structures in place; I had older brothers and uncles that she always
ensured were responsible to uphold me in the areas where she needed a
man and I never had that vacuum. She did not remarry. I had my own
spells in terms of being a naughty boy, but I had invariably gone 360
degrees and turned out okay. She has brothers, uncles and the
opportunities to get good godfathers that she can ensure are involved in
the lives of her children.
children right. Personally, I lost my father when I was two years old.
And as a male child, I needed a strong arm. My mother put some
structures in place; I had older brothers and uncles that she always
ensured were responsible to uphold me in the areas where she needed a
man and I never had that vacuum. She did not remarry. I had my own
spells in terms of being a naughty boy, but I had invariably gone 360
degrees and turned out okay. She has brothers, uncles and the
opportunities to get good godfathers that she can ensure are involved in
the lives of her children.
Also, one cannot de-emphasise the roles
of women and men in the upbringing of one’s children. We have people
that are very involved in the lives of our children. My wife and I do
not know it all. My children know that when they go to visit their
grandparents, godparents, uncles or aunts, they know these people have
the right to chastise and correct them because we trust them with our
children.
of women and men in the upbringing of one’s children. We have people
that are very involved in the lives of our children. My wife and I do
not know it all. My children know that when they go to visit their
grandparents, godparents, uncles or aunts, they know these people have
the right to chastise and correct them because we trust them with our
children.
For people who feel disadvantaged
because they never had a father, I would tell them the way they see the
problem is the problem. I often say to people that one’s perception is
one’s reality. The best way to predict the future is to create it. It is
one’s choices and decisions that colour one’s perceptions and
invariably determine one’s life experiences. Every choice that one makes
now will carve out a tomorrow for one. They need to understand that
where they are coming from is required for where they are going. I knew
from a young age that it was because of my future that I went through
what I went through. But I would not allow my past to short-circuit or
stop the future God has designed for me or that I desire for myself.
Every coin has two sides. I accepted it as my reality but I chose to see
the positive side of it. One could either see a half-full or half-empty
glass. That was what was responsible for the trajectory of my life. One
determines what one goes through, but God determines where one would
get to.
because they never had a father, I would tell them the way they see the
problem is the problem. I often say to people that one’s perception is
one’s reality. The best way to predict the future is to create it. It is
one’s choices and decisions that colour one’s perceptions and
invariably determine one’s life experiences. Every choice that one makes
now will carve out a tomorrow for one. They need to understand that
where they are coming from is required for where they are going. I knew
from a young age that it was because of my future that I went through
what I went through. But I would not allow my past to short-circuit or
stop the future God has designed for me or that I desire for myself.
Every coin has two sides. I accepted it as my reality but I chose to see
the positive side of it. One could either see a half-full or half-empty
glass. That was what was responsible for the trajectory of my life. One
determines what one goes through, but God determines where one would
get to.
What is your advice to fathers?
A father needs to understand his
strengths and weaknesses. Also, they should understand the environment
they live in, and understand a child and bring up that child in the best
way that is best suited for him or her. They should not generalise
upbringing. I do not bring up my two children the same way because both
of them are completely different beings. They think differently and
their perceptions to life are different, their development needs, love
and appreciation of languages are also different. I relate with them
independently and I give them independent upbringing.
strengths and weaknesses. Also, they should understand the environment
they live in, and understand a child and bring up that child in the best
way that is best suited for him or her. They should not generalise
upbringing. I do not bring up my two children the same way because both
of them are completely different beings. They think differently and
their perceptions to life are different, their development needs, love
and appreciation of languages are also different. I relate with them
independently and I give them independent upbringing.